I'm Not a Playa, I Just Crush A Lot

Theme Song for this entry – L-O-V-E – Irving which can be found along with many others here via fimoculous – and screw Orrin Hatch…download it while you read…

While I was away – I had plenty of time to myself and plenty of time to let my mind wander over the many things that my life either is or is not. There was also plenty of recidivist behavior that I am still trying to break myself from. But perhaps the most intriguing chapter missing from the confines of this blog would have to be the many waves of emotion I allowed my heart to ride upon. As the sign to the right clearly states – Yezbick is still available – and an uncaged beast is wont to look upon the grounds before it – snuffling at the earth in search of prey. That description is, of course, the extreme exaggeration of my situation in respect to significant others…The truth is – I lack certain predatory skills – and rarely do I find myself in the proper hunting grounds. (women’s lib groups would eat me alive.) I don’t get out much these days. When I do – it is easy to find me behind bars – literally and figuratively, surrounded by the comforts of common members of my pride. New faces are rare – and single faces seem to be even more so.

Just the other day I mentioned to B and Shell-Bell how Ariel announced she was to tie the knot – get hitched – marry – since she has now graduated college. B’s response, “Geez, It’s spreading like a disease!” It was an apt observation. I guess I’m just at that age where either your friends all pack up and head out west – (Bruisee and DAAAAANNN, where are you?) or slip on a gold band and head off into the sunset. Por ejemplo – there’s April and David, who’ve spread their wedding photos for all to see…then there’s a multitude of people talking about their friends getting married – millie and jason attending quite a few in the past few days. Then – this coming november – Kristen and Colito are planning on tying the knot. Well — now – my own kin are getting into the act. My sister will be married in a week – to J.B. – and I will be wearing a tux. I just finished getting fitted over at the Men’s Wearhouse…Sister has already tried on mom’s old wedding dress, and all that’s left now is the journey back to the parental units’ home – where the ceremony will be held in the back yard.

The strangest of beings always seem to catch my fancy. If I did the best thing for me and found myself, as see-store suggested on the phone the other evening, in a counseling session – the therapist would most likely tell me that I am pursuing the unpursuable on purpose. I must say that my affections do tend to be directed towards persons who are already involved – as was the case with the latest…we’ll just call her J, or better yet — we’ll call her – her.
Her was the latest and greatest of the full time hirings at the deli. I’m using the past tense now because her employment is no longer a reality – the result of two no call no show performances…She had cat eyes – done up with the mascara – and a kooky sense of humor rivaling all fellow co-workers, save mine. And there was an odd sensation that seemed to envelop us whenever we found ourselves passing our shifts concurrently. Which was rare. She was the morning deli/catering queen – I the evening cook/manager king (oh yeah, I’m management now, btw. which means I may have to recant some statements I made in the past – number 25 on the list – although that could refer to the job rather than the people – so maybe I’ll let it stand). But when we did come together there were invisible bolts that shot through me – and everything I heard in my mind before it came out of my mouth I had to think twice about allowing to escape as I felt the giddiness taking hold and feared that any one syllable I could utter in my state was surely to be insignificant and droll in her view. But she never let on that that was true. She always smiled – and more often – laughed.

“Thus, neither having the clue to the other’s secret thing, they were respectively puzzled at what each revealed, and awaited new knowledge of each other’s character and moods without attempting to pry into each other’s history.” – Thomas Hardy, Tess D’Ubervilles
Her also had a kid. and a man. Nothing pained me more than the mere mention of the man’s name – and the realization and ensuing denial of my lack of responsibility when thinking about, as Homer would say, “the boy.” But it always seemed so warm and fuzzy that I never really minded. I really just wanted her around – because it has become a rare occasion that I come across someone who can make me feel so stupidly happy. Perhaps it was the moment she came back into the kitchen and strolling by, then taking a few steps back, she stopped by the stereo that was playing my cd’s, and listened for a moment – her head tilted upon her swan neck, long black hair cast away from her ear – and remarking – “Drive-By Truckers?” To which I, wholly impressed, replied (feeling stupid and giddy) – to the affirmative.

Perhaps she’s at the DBT concert tonight. She doesn’t have to be up for work tomorrow. All I know is that I looked at the schedule for next week today and didn’t see her name there. I did, however, spot a familiar name from the past – who had also managed to accomplish quite a few no call no shows in his stint at the Deli. I wasn’t happy. I etched out a note to the owner – in anger. And now that note is stuck into the cork of the bulletin board in the office – waiting to be read tomorrow – and I wouldn’t be surprised if his reaction wasn’t akin to one of the comments from yesterday – left by Mr. Schlep…”Asshole.” Ah well…I wish her the best. I always referred to it as a schoolboy crush — something I knew I was raising above reality – something I could never reach…But I really, really wish I could. I wish I had the foundation to be able to make any relationship work…But of course that foundation has to start with me…

“There is no erotic situation which, while insinuating and exciting, does not fail to indicate unmistakeably that things can never go that far.” – Max Horkheimer and Theodore Adorno – The Dialectic of Enlightenment