Tuesday night – as the clock wound past witching hour and into the tail end of Conan – Monsieur and I were sitting around flipping through channels and gazing at the idiot box like, well, a coupla of stoned idiots. My fingers were engaged in plucking and pruning the backside of my Cameo Ugly Ego album – a difficult task indeed since the plastic cover is still intact. So while the pads of my fingers scurried across the jacket – all of sudden – BOOM BOOM BOOM!
I think my ribs felt like they were gonna burst outta my chest. “The cops!” I thought..I slid the album under the chair and Monsieur opened the front door…nobody. Perhaps it was all our imagina-BOOM BOOM BOOM!! The side door. The carport…Monsieur went to answer it while I sat there and panicked. This was a little too much like the paper boy incident many years ago. I thought for a moment – maybe its Juan. He’s loud and obnoxious and likely to stop by the house at 1 am after being at the bar all night. Instead – I hear the door open and a female voice with a slight southern drawl say -
“Hey – could y’all help me out — my car broke down and I’ve been walking and I just seen your lights on and that’s why I come up.”
Okay. That’s weird. Really weird. See – cause – I live up off a main road – and there’s a gas station not a mile from my house. There is also a hotel – a cheap hotel – not a mile from my house. So – in my head – I smell a scam. And I say – still from the other room -
“Why don’t you go to the gas station?” And I hear -
“I’ve been walking since Buford Highway and…” And that’s where I knew something was weird – cause Buford Highway isn’t anywhere near my house…It’s at least four miles away. But Monsieur is there and he’s helping her out and decides to let her call a taxi. Which she does. And then asks for a cigarette. And Monsieur doesn’t smoke.
My nerves are shot at this point. I don’t take well to strange visits. It gets my mind working a little too much. Meanwhile Monsieur is like “I would’ve given her a ride if you woulda gone with me.” Hell No! What you need to understand is that I never even got a good look at the girl — I just immediately saw her as Tammy from David Cross’ Run Ronnie Run…Monsieur says that she appeared to be sober – that she’s twenty — I think Monsieur has a crush on her.
After she gives us back the phone – and walks out to the front of the house to wait for the taxi – I remember walking into the kitchen and seeing Auburn scrubbing the phone with Rubbing Alcohol…She couldn’t have been that keen.
About twenty minutes later the taxi pulls up and I have to go out and explain to him why the girl is no longer there. Which I have no idea why – although I must say I never thought she intended to stay. I ramble on about crack addictions and apologize to the cab driver – who looking at me – must’ve thought I was crazy…
I’m sorry – this story had to be told — so that Monsieur would stop talking about killing hitchikers…I mean – he’s inserting that comment under entries that have no connection to killing hitchikers. I mean – yeah – killing hitchikers is pretty much complementary to any story – but then there’s overkill.
The point is – go out and rent or buy Run Ronnie Run today! It will change your life!!!
Dear Mr. Ashcroft,
Please forgive Kevin’s use of the adjective “stoned.” In Tucker lexicon “stoned” means something completely different than what your are envisioning. We use the word “stoned” to describe our firm, unfettered, unyielding patriotism…Amen. God Bless America. I’m stone in love with it! Thank you.
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Ok…I thought she said her car had broken down a mile away from our house and she needed to get back to Buford Highway. I could be wrong, but I don’t think she walked 4 miles from Buford Highway to knock on our door and ask for a ride BACK to Buford Highway. But, that’s just my logic.
And yes….I did have a crush on her for the few fleeting minutes she pleaded for her life while I eviscerated her like a fish.
I don’t think she walked 4 miles from Buford Highway — nor do I — but that’s why I was suspicious…
hmmm….20 you say? thats legal.
it should have been the cops- and arrested you for having a Cameo album to utilize for your misdeeds. Cameo deserves more respect than that, I mean, how often does a single make its way into everyday American slang – ” Word up.” Next time I suggest you utilize a Debarge album, or even better still, the White Album ( easy pickings). And it should be said that will I do Stone America, I feel that the exact definition of stone as a verb has been changing over the years in its own right. For instance, early pioneers often stoned adulterous or black magic women, probably while stoned. And of course the 60′s lyric, ” It stoned me to my soul…” can only be applied to the emotive response some feel when engaging in some devout activity, be it in a spiritual sense or recreational. Which brings us to our present day understanding of the term ” stoned ” which can only mean devout faith and desire to throw rocks at John Ashcroft and his evil New World Order Illuminati Army of Paranoid delusionists. ( see above 60′s lyric.)
Kevin- it’s good to know that when a woman is stranded and in need of help you are so eager to be of assistance. crackhead or not.
is that Ronnie as in Ronnie Dobbs? If so,
“I WAS BAKIN FOR MY MAMA”
yes indeedy staroreeny…
I was tellin B last night that I got some photos developed – from the engagement party — and from July 4th. Other than the 4 attempts to photograph the F-16 flyover in Mike’s backyard — 50% of which failed – I have to say that the majority of the photos were of you…I must’ve liked you or sumtin two months ago…Oh – and I have a picture of your frog – and the “I’m just a frog – ribbit” message I left next to it.
“Baby…don’t flip your bitch-switch.”
Ronnie Dobbs
Respond to my comment Mr. “25 Second” Man!
no
and I have more staying power than 25 seconds thank you very much.
Thank you Kevin.
I know it is longer than 25 seconds. Isn’t there like a 2 min. window of opportunity before you are out of commission?
yes – but we had something called a conversation that lasted nearly 3 minutes…
Eewwwpen it Daddy. EEEEWWWWWWWWPEN IT!