i feel a pulling in the chest that seems like a lifting.

i begin

anticipating

a gliding ascent.

my feet continue their pace,

mindlessly

i lift and rise and feel certain i will fly

before a resistance takes hold and i

realize

the muck will not relinquish my

forward floating foot.

i am grounded again. pulled

back to the path

like having stepped onto the sinewy strands of discarded bubble gum.

i am stuck.

Via Flickr:
A continuing series of things I find in my mailbox at work

I don’t have much of a sense of humor today.

Back then, blogs were booming. I still had an itching to be a writer. My parents kept telling me how I should do something with my knowledge of computers. I figured starting a blog would be added skills to plop onto my resume.

So I started one. You can’t trace back to the oldest entries on here now. Ya gotta maneuver your way through the Internet Archive. That’s fine with me. There’s not much of character in many of those entries. I was not enjoying life as a line cook. I’m not sure that I was enjoying life, period. I’d just had my heartbroken.

It’s a little depressing how little things seem to have changed.

Still, ten years is ten years. Perhaps I should lay down a timeline and tick off significant moments. Just reading through what I did in looking back tonight, I find someone on the other end that I find somewhat hideous, a stranger, or at least I wish they were, anyone but me.

I’m holding things back. There’s so much going on inside of me right now – but it would come across as a horrible mess if I made it public. I’m weighed down. Carved out. Exhausted.

But still it goes on.

Happy Birthday Yezbick.com. I hope things pick up for you.

Back in January, kottke posted about an unusual item on amazon, but an even more unusual “customers also viewed” pairing. The “customers also viewed” contained a latex horse mask that also has numerous customer images. I bought one of those. Then I took a picture of myself wearing it on a Friday night drinking tea.

The next evening I was invited to a backyard firepit (I don’t think the two instances are related but who knows) where Swigs came up with the notion that we should get a bunch of people to order these horse masks and march as an army in the Marche du Nain Rouge. I’ll let you read up on the background history if you’re all like whaaaaaa about the Nain Rouge. There was banter and laughter and pizza and boozepricots and when the evening’s close arrived there seemed to be a general consensus that, yes, horse masks and Nain Rouge would make a good match.

The next morning, after a few hours had passed at the job, an email eased its way into my inbox. The subject line was simply “Join the Horse Mask Army and help abolish the Nain Rouge.” The thread grew, and continued to grow, interspliced with mild hilarity. All told, shortly after the lunch hour, there were around 14 horse masks en route to the Metro Detroit area.

In the coming days, more images would surface on Instagram as deliveries began arriving. Below are a few…

[Show as slideshow]

[View with PicLens]

And then, last Sunday, the day of the march arrived…

[Show as slideshow]

[View with PicLens]

It turned out to be a beautiful spring day. At daybreak it seemed like heat wasn’t going to be a problem, but as the clouds burnt off and the sun beamed down – mobility took a second seat to sweat in the horse masks. Definitely worth it.

Onlookers seemed to enjoy it. The most common question? “What’s the deal with the horse masks?” People seemed to think we had an agenda other than ridding the city of Nain Rouge. That we were some sort of political faction – even though we were surrounded by thousands dressed in their own outlandish garb.

Some people ask, why horse masks? We ask, why not?

Here are a couple of additional videos spotlighting the Nain Rouge. Thirty seconds into the first you catch a brief glimpse of the Horse Mask Army:

Update 4/9/2012 – came across another video.

 

Here’s to next year’s march…

Found out about this in Stephen Levine’s Unattended Sorrow. I’d started it a couple of weeks ago and got distracted by the Dalai Lama. I never should’ve put down Levine. The Picture Poem / Haiku / Kōan is meant to represent that when you stop thinking about everything else and just focus on the moment, you relieve yourself of several ongoing battles – you can just be.

I’m struggling with that. With just being. Especially in just being with myself. I was doing lots of good work for a little while – jotting down my thoughts – I felt I had a greater understanding of my self and where I was in the world. I think I got too overconfident. I tried to take on too much too soon. I’m really starting to think that what I really need is to be alone. To drawback. Be more vigilant on refocusing. I got lonely. I wanted to see people. I definitely wanted to express myself to someone – and then when I saw people I shrank away from that. I didn’t want to say a word and show them my soft underbelly. I’m embarrassed.

I tried last night, while drinking my tea, to be mindful. I am a novice. My mind was everywhere. I couldn’t slow things down. I tried to focus on a stitch in my pajama bottoms, the feel of the mug in my hands, the taste as the tea splashed around my tongue, the warmth as it slid down my throat. I could be in tune with these things for only a moment before they were dashed by another thought. And then I would judge myself. And then I would tell myself not to judge myself, that I’m new at this, and go back to trying to be in the moment.

I keep dredging up mistakes. I keep finding the same ones. I’m dreading what this means, and I am being harsh in my response. Reflection is good, but my reaction is not. It’s the war. I don’t know how many more bullets I can dodge.

Apparently the below episode The Conversion from the Outer Limits makes reference to Reps’ picture poem / haiku / Kōan. I’ve yet to watch it, but I have a feeling it will relate well, and I simply want to get this post out…
Edit: Ok so I started watching this…and it’s really cheesy. Gonna have to find the clip.
Edit again: Ok – it’s just horrible…so I’m removing the embed. You can watch for yourself here if you’re so inclined: The Conversion – The Outer Limits

I notice it and I tell myself to breathe. Breathe in Kind thoughts. Breathe out the Sadness.

I’ll spend several moments doing this until something inevitably distracts me. The knot keeps coming back.

It’s definitely at its worst in the morning – during the waking moments. It’s changed my morning routine. I can’t just chillax and snooze these days. Once there’s a blip of awareness, I’m swinging my legs over the side of the bed – physical movement to get everything flowing and try to get a head start towards more distractions.

Keep breathing. Get downstairs. Start the coffee. Roll out the yoga mat. Pick a yoga podcast from Yoga Download. I’ve done a few of episode 11 – Morning Flow. The other day I shot myself up into wheel pose. There was a moment where I was ecstatic. My head was swirling. I know you’re not supposed to get frustrated at being unable to get into certain poses – it’s supposed to be a judgement free thing – and if you do start to judge – back into breathing…but it was strange to find myself suddenly thrust upwards – and holding it. It was a moment of joy bookended by doubts on peace and love.

I’ve gone back to a few classes at the studio. Hit up the Hatha Flow and Yin a couple of times. I suppose there’s something to be said for a full studio and communal breathing, but I’m really glad a friend mentioned the podcasts.

I also seem to be carrying around what I’ve come to call my tiny coat of anxiety. There’s just a constricted feeling – similar to wearing a coat or sweater that’s a few sizes too small. The weight of the coat fluctuates throughout the day – at times it becomes incredibly heavy, and my shoulders feel burdened, and I slog it. Again, try to breathe through it. I’m wearing it now. Have been for most of the day. It didn’t help when I found out changes in our Health Care benefits would mean more costs in trying to work this shit out. They don’t take effect until May 1st, but at this point it seems that day is incredibly too soon. Oh to be an optimist in this case.

I remember when I first put on this tiny coat. Back in 2007. Thereabouts. It was worse back then. I felt like somebody had pinned my arms to my sides. I remember being freaked out that my internal state could affect me physically. I knew that it was a possibility, but I didn’t think it would happen to me or manifest itself in such a weird way. Talking to my therapist about it then he asked if I’d ever been grabbed in that manner, around the arms, subdued or yelled at in that pose. I couldn’t recall anything like that. Still can’t. So I don’t know where this is coming from or why it sticks around.

Whenever I get wrapped up in this tiny coat I feel like there are eyes on me. Like the coat glows or is a beacon and everybody is drawn in and they have a gateway into the inner workings that I really don’t want a lot of people to see. Fake it ’til you make it is exhausting. The constriction battles against the ribs and the flow – the knot in the chest like a boulder in a stream. It feels like cliché, the world pressing in on me. Like a nerf herder in a Death Star trash compactor. So now I run.

The last time I ran was back in 2005. I’d just moved back up to Michigan so I was dealing with different stresses and sadness. I didn’t know a soul and as a means of occupying time and escaping from the confines of the parental units’ home – I’d run. I don’t think I ever enjoyed it. I just did it. The Five Mile Fun Run experience pretty much killed any desire I had left.

[via Maudit]

This time around I have given myself plenty more reasons to run. For one, fighting off sadness and anxiety with increased serotonin and endorphins following exercise. Another is to work on self-esteem – to set goals for myself and knock them down. To get that ecstatic feeling more often. Accomplishment.

Just over a month ago I hadn’t laced up running shoes in nearly seven years. Now I’m getting my stride back and looking for ways to keep increasing my distance and better my times. The Nike+ GPS app gives great feedback regarding your pace and distance as well as the routes you take. It’s also reacquainted me with my music collection and podcasts.

The companion website offers coaching and goal-setting. Lots of statistics and visualization that my nerd self devours. It pushes me, and I’ve quickly upped my distance to over 3.5 miles. It may not seem like all that much – but from where I was… The hardest part seems to be finding routes – and for that I’ve been using Running Map.

I pushed myself a little too hard in the first few weeks and wound up needing to RICE my ankle – for about seven frustrating days. More than likely this was due to trying to use the same trail shoes I’d had for Espaldita’s Triumph. I’ve since picked up a pair of New Balance – and my pace is starting to pick up.

A lot of therapy is looking back. We haven’t really approached the necessary level of back yet. I’m trying not to rush it, but feel a little under the gun now that there’s this looming May 1st deadline. I don’t have a lot of normalcy flowing through me right now. There’s a lot of grief. Exhaustion. I try to pull it together with the breathing. With mindfulness. Despite being charged with collection development for the 100s for several years – I’ve never really taken the time to read any of the self-help style books. Now I’ve inundated myself with them. Been doing a lot of work. Trying to take breaks as needed.

The main thing is pressing forward. To believe people when they say it’ll get easier. To take what I need to grow, and to let the waters lap over the boulder, slowly eroding – until everything flows freely once more.

During a difficult period you can learn to develop inner strength, determination, and courage to face your problems. If you become discouraged, that is the real failure; you have lost a valuable chance to develop. To remain determined is itself a gain.

– Bstan-ʼdzin-rgya-mtsho, Dalai Lama XIV

img via: Three Word Phrase

On Saturday some kid picked up a rock from the fountain rock garden inside the library and chucked it, nearly hitting both a man and the self-checkout station the man was working at. The kid ran off, I never saw a parent. Lucky kid. All I want to do now is pick up those rocks and chuck ‘em.