To reach into that nook and attempt to pry it open. To take my fingernail, scratch at that crack on the wall, chipping away until the flesh is worn and the red drops rain - peeling back until I can sink my fist in. Leaning back with my hand hooked on the interior, pushing with my feet against the base until the wall is loosed and I fall backwards suddenly - staring at my feet with the blurred ceiling beyond.
I just want to get to them. I haven't forgotten - but I feel forgotten.
So as I continue to rip away at the structures that I suspect impede the conduit - perhaps my clawing becomes emblematic of desperation. It may be that my efforts, brimmed with good intentions, are misunderstood as maniacal acts. But I suspect it is worth the chance.
I hope that when I finish with this wall - when it's shards are stacked about and behind me and I can stare out at whatever is behind it -- that I'll have gathered the residents beyond who wish to share my journey. Strength in numbers - perhaps - but in the past few months I've learned that I do, in fact, have the gumption (in this case, a better word than will) to go it alone.
There will always be more walls. But as walls are constructed - they can be deconstructed. I'd rather take the planks of their composition - and lay them flat across the chasms - and build bridges.
I don't want to surrender those I've held in my heart. It just hurts sometimes to feel that I'm the only one willling to keep these links alive. Still - while it isn't the best of options - I'm starting to love reaching into the darkness beyond the walls. Lately - there seems to be more light pouring in from the outside...and I'm beginning to think I'd had it all backwards. Maybe I'm not trying to get to them - Maybe I'm just trying to get out...
I read your writings and have no clue as to what you are trying to say, preach or whatever. I'm wondering if you're making words come together and there is nothing underlying trying to come out. But if the "underlying" is the "matter of fact", I'd like you to refer to some writings I've recently come across. 2 Corinthians 10:7
7You are looking only on the surface of things. If anyone is confident that he belongs to Christ, he should consider again that we belong to Christ just as much as he.
Don't think of me as a "Jesus Freak", I'm just exploring "old" ideas to see if any of them fit in my life. Amazing enough, alot of what I've been reading about I believe the authors know me by name and by deeds!! Do you know what the BIBLE stands for? "Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth". I'm wondering if this isn't something I need to research a bit further.